Dot`sThoughts

My mind was awakened by a tragic TV Movie.

Here I sit doing nothing when I have so much waiting to get done.

One of those days when watching a movie on TV has me thinking more about my life and the lives of others. It is not a happy style movie. It`s one where the mother supposedly committed suicide and their only daughter gets all messed up from seeing her mother and so she finds an imaginary friend named Charley. Later in the movie it turns out that Charley is actually her own father who killed her mother and after they moved, he ends up killing others. He has a multi-personality even though his profession is being a psychologist. If I had known how this movie plot was going to turn out, I would never have started watching it in the first place. I`m not one who is crazy over movies with hideous style killings in them. I remember when I used to stay up to watch "Twilight Zone" and Walt headed off to bed. By now you are probably wondering why a tragic movie like this one could get me thinking about my own life or the lives of others.

I have a nephew who specializes in psychology. I remember when he first finished his extended Medical training to become a Dr in Psychology. He was talking to Walt and Walt kindly told him he could start with me. ( In case you haven`t been reading my past posts, Walt was my late husband of over 50 years of Marriage.) Even though both my nephew and I knew he was just joking around, my nephew still gave him this answer " The first person I need to practice on is myself before I start taking any patients.' He added this " Doctor , first heal thyself." I think that line had something to do with their Dr`s oath. That happened many many years ago. This nephew ended up marrying another Dr who specialized in Psychology and they have kept their practice going for many years. Watching the movie got me thinking that this father should have started first healing himself. I guess seeing his wife with another man must have threw him over the edge. Of course that scene was never showed till near the very end of the movie.

I wonder how many of these specialist treating people today should start treating themself so they can do a better job helping others. Same goes for some who practice therapy on others. For instance, what makes someone who was raped think they can better help someone else who has been raped. Can they keep their personal feeling of what they went thru from interfering with what the patient is trying to tell them? Can they totally shut off their personal thoughts and totally listen to what their patient is saying, or will what is in their own mind take over. Will they end up trying to heal themself when they were hired to help someone else?
Then again, what makes a person who has never been raped think they can understand how someone who was abused is feeling? I have watched the terrible messes rape causes in some peoples lives. I have seen them go thru one marriage after another, never finding happiness lasting for very long. Do they ever learn how to get past what happened so they can re-start their life and be truly happy? Do they ever learn how to truly trust any man or woman again. My heart aches for them. I have seen it even mess up a parent so that they aren`t a good parent. I see the great love they have for their kids, but still I see some of them being willing to let the other parent raise the kids when their marriage breaks up. It is like they have lost all self respect, like they look down on them self and feel they aren`t good enough to be any ones parent. How do you re-build their self worth feeling about themself. I feel it is important that they first realize they were not at fault, next they have to learn how to love themself before they can completely love anyone else. Why do some people think all it takes is time to get over being raped? I have seen some parents think their kid should be able to handle it after some time or a few years has passed. Does a person ever learn to handle it and be able to happily move on?
I watched one young girl get her bearings back, get a good job and begin being a good parent. Then they start to trust someone and when it doesn`t work out, there they are, right back where they drop their job and stop caring about themself or anyone else all over again. This is a vicious circle, getting a job, putting their kids ahead of themself and looking to the rest of the world like everything is finally working the way it should, then suddenly there they are right back all messed up again. I have seen cases where therapy only helped for a while. Suggesting they find another therapist only seems to work for a while.
I feel helpless when being asked for advice. I can only imagine some of what they must be feeling, but can not know what they are really going thru. I can see the pain and confusion on both their faces and on the faces of those who love them and wish I was so much smarter so I could be of more help. All I am qualified for is being a good listener, telling them they are a good person and showing I care. How do you unscramble their mind so they can move on? So much needless pain in the world. Every parent wants to totally protect their children and when something happens it leaves them feeling like they failed their kids. So, even some of the parents need help handling their guilt feelings when in most cases there would have been nothing they could have know ahead of time to be able to protect them. What irritates me the most is when they release a rapist and they repeat the crime. Why does the law allow repeaters to do time and again be let out around the public when they have already proven they will do it again. Why can`t we make the laws stronger so any repeater can never be released to hurt a third person? Should a repeater still have rights so he or she can just go on attacking others?

I remember when there was another one going thru bulimia. I watched every TV movie, even taped some to re-watch to help me better understand this awful disease. I remember one of the movies was titled " I am taking my life back." I also sent for some literature that helped. Today this young lady is a mother and once told me that she has to keep fighting this illness because she never wants her daughter to go thru what she went thru. Her daughter gave her the strength to win her battle. I pray she never slips back into her old ways. I am proud of watching her fight so hard and win.
Now I ask myself, what can give a person who was raped this strength to win their battle and move on to happiness.
I feel so bad for any one who has ever faced either of these medical problems or others just as terrible and say a prayer for their winning their fight for the good life they deserve. I also say a prayer thanking God for keeping me protected from such painful , awful happenings. Looking at the pain of others, I know how very lucky my life has been. Thank you God for being there to give me the strength to kick and even bite to free myself that day in the woods where we always played as kids. Just having a strange man drop his hunting rifle and grab me was enough for me to never forget the fear I felt when I was small. To this day, I don`t know whatever gave me the idea to bite his shoulder as hard as I could, but it worked, so I am glad I did it. Kicking and punching wasn`t doing any good, but biting caused his hand to release long enough for me to grab my younger sister by the arm and start running as fast as my legs could carry me. My poor sister, her feet hardly touched the ground, I was dragging her so fast. We never stopped till we were safely back to our house. Then my mother never believed us. That hurt for her to think we could ever make up such a story. I never played in the woods again unless one of my brothers was with me. I still remember telling my little sister to run home and get Daddy. She ran just far enough to go around the curve in the road and came back around the corner and said " Has he still got you?" Those words remain with me still after all these years.

Saturday, Sept. 15th, 2007

Here it is another Saturday and nothing special that I must do.

Lets see, Monday was the exercise class at Motivations, Tues the exercize class at the hospital Wellness Clinic, Wedensday, back to motivations, Thursday- well I told one of my daughters it was my day off ( just think, retired with a whole day off) so I went shopping. I bought some new walking shoes and new work-out long slacks ( getting chillier out for wearing shorts you know) , batteries for two cordless phones, and a new VCR/DVD player- only to get it home and find out I couldn`t record my Soaps on it without getting a Tuner box from my cable co. So, my new son-in-law gave me a VCR that he wasn`t using. Guess I`ll just take the new one back and get my money back. Could just call the cable Co. for one of their boxes, but what if later on I decide I don`t want cable anymore- then the VCR wouldn`t record without me getting another cord connection to hook it up to the arial on the top of my garage. Yes, I still do have that old fashioned arial connection and it still brings in a good TV picture.
I did forget to mention that on Wednesday my two younger sisters took me out to a restaurant for lunch as a late birthday present. Or did I post that before? Must be getting old since I can`t remember, or did I just tell so many people that I forgot who I told? Now that excuse sounds better, don`t you think? Ever think about how "present" stands for the spelling of two word meanings? Present- give a gift and present- pronounced like pre-sent as to give a speach of some sort. I have heard people say that the English language is sometimes confusing, do you suppose a word having the same spelling and meaning 2 different things might be what makes them think it?

Well, I did stop at Thursday, so Friday I went back to the hosp. exercise class. And now I am up to today. If the rain continues, I might end up working in the house, or I still might build my shelfs, not sure yet. Depends on how damp or chilly the rain makes the shop. Not chilly enough yet to run the heater to remove the dampness, would be harder working in an over-heated room. . But since it is now 4AM, I have hours to make up my mind in. Don`t they say that it is a womans perogative to change her mind? Can`t let that line down now, can I? I have about 3 hours to decide in. Couldn`t go out to the shop before that or my daughter next door and the neighbors would start worrying about me. Can`t let that happen. Now, if the shop were connected to my house I might have worked out there on nights when I can`t sleep. But everyone would be upset if they knew I was running around out doors at this hour in the morning, or should I have said during the night?

But then, if I don`t get those shelves built along the back of my shop, how will I ever get my large bench and the 4 machines back into some useable order. I also still have to paint the inside of the window that was put in to replace the one I broke on my head. Hard head, right? Head doing good, but I sure did make a lot more work for myself. Raining tonight. Yes, it is still night here. I awoke a little after 3AM and couldn`t get back to sleep. But that happens a lot the past few years. When I awoke, I could hear voices talking outside. Peeked out the window and saw car lights across the road which meant my neighbor went out last night and someone had just dropped her off home. Too dark outside to see the car, just the lights showing. Who knows, it might have been my oldest daughter she went out with. If so, then that doesn`t bother me since neither of them drink anything stronger than a diet pepsi ( HaaHaa). They just have a good time with their friends and they both love dancing and Karioki ( probably spelled wrong). My daughter isn`t married at this time and her youngest is 16 years old, so she is leaving no little ones at home and the neighbors husband can trust his wife. So, since they don`t go out very often, no harm in having some fun listening to a band that plays music they enjoy. I did see the car ride by again, or I should say I saw the car lights go slowly past my houe again. So, probably was my daughter wondering why my bedroom light was on at this hour in the morning. I hadn`t turned on the kitchen light or the computer until after the car left our road. I started out playing spider solitaire before starting to write and I am still not on line yet or I could check to see if my daughter went on line to check up on me.

I hate it when the kids worry about me. I have had a good life and as I tell them, when my time comes I hope I am still able to enjoy my life doing things I enjoy. They are always saying " mom, why didn`t you call me, I could have done that for you". I tell them, "don`t worry, if I need you, I will call you' My husband once told me I was too independant- just because I never ask for help with something I know I can still do myself. Why take advantage of someone for things I can do myself. After all, there might come a time when I do need their help as I get older and I wouldn`t want them already getting tired of waiting on me. My Mother lived to 4 days before her 91st birthday, and I am already 4 years older than my Dad was. I am hoping that like my Mom and Dad, I will be still taking care of myself for as long as possible. My Dad was still working on a neighbors truck and got it repaired the night before. My Mom did end up in a wheel chair the last couple of years, but was still living in the home my Dad had built for them when they first got married. They also had a little over 50 years of marriage. Funny how much I have copied my parents without even thinking about it. My Mom and I both got married at age 20 and had our first child the next year. Mom didn`t start with a ready made family and raise step kids like I did. But, we both had our second child 2 yrs after the first one, but thats where things changed. My second time was twin sons. Then my Mom -why do we just say Mom, didn`t Dad also becoms a parent at the same time, even if he didn`t have to work that hard to become a parent. Well 2 years later we both had another child. Before I had my 4th Hospital trip- 5 years later, my parents had 2 more kids each 2 years apart. Then 6 years later I had my last baby, while my parents waited 7 years before their last one. So, my parents ended up raising 7 children. But I ended up raising 8 counting my step children. So, while our lives were simular, they were still very different. Well, I have already out lived my Dad who was just 2 months before his 73rd Birthday, while my husband was 75. My mother lived for 20 years after we lost my Dad. I don`t think I would enjoy living 20 years alone like she did, even if we both could depend on our kids whenever we needed them. Sounds like a very lonely life to me. I have only made it alone for 5 years and I am already wishing there was someone to talk with, to eat meals with, to go places with, guess you never realize how much you realy meant it when you would say, I don`t know what I would ever do if I lost my husband.
Well, I stay busy, but my how my life has changed. I sure do miss him and the way our lives had resolved around each other. If we could only turn back the clocks and relive our happiness one more time. But, then we would just need to relive this empty feeling inside all over again. I am sure it would be even harder a second time around, not sure I could go thru it a second time. This makes me think of a cousin who loved and lost two husbands and my Grandmother who out lived three husbands.
What my life has in store for me, I have no idea. Guess I will just have to stay busy while I wait to see what my future holds for me. Life is so unpredictable, some day, when my kids or grandkids or possible even my great grandchildren are reading my blog they will be able to fill in the unknown. I usually print off my posts for them to read about my life after I am gone. They all know about this blog and I would let them read it if they said they wanted to, but so far only a daughter-in-law has showed any interest. I gave her the way to my blog, but she has never mentioned reading it, so maybe she does and maybe she doesn`t. I do know she lost the way and asked me for it a second time. i even told her she should start a blog when she mentioned wanting her kids to know more about her life. She is partially disabled with breathing problems and it would also give her something to do since she also lives alone.
Well, it is almost 6AM and I should get dressed soon since it looks like Iwill not be getting back to sleep. WOW, I have sat here for almost 3 hours. Time sure flies by when you find something to do.

Ever think about all the time you are wasting while staying busy, but not out living life. At the same time, there is never enough hours in a day to accomplish everything that needs to be done.
Guess I will go on line and add this to my blog. Then I will go get dressed and find something to eat. For some reason I feel hungry this morning. I usually feed my dog around 7AM. My day usually starts after I feed her. Every morning I hold my breath if she doesn`t come out of her dog house to greet me. She is 11 years old and her face hair has turned gray, her hearing isn`t as good as it used to be and she has cataracs building on both eyes. She is my most important reason for getting up in the morning. Since she started looking so old, I have had this awful fear of losing her. This summer I cut a small window style hole in her dog house to give her more circulating air. A few days ago I cut out a board to cover that opening and added it with just the one screw for now so I can slide it open and closed depending on the weather. Once it starts getting colder I will add the other screw to hold it shut. I read on the net that Border Collies have up to a 14 year life and she is already almost 12 now and with her eyesight and hearing getting bad from age, It has me wondering how age is also affecting her other organs. God Bless her, she is a wonderful loving protector and still tries to follow me around outside as far as her chain will allow. Very obedient and still tries to play with all the kids whenever they come to visit. She just loves everyone, but a stranger can`t touch her until I tell her it is ok. I think her eyesight is why she now depends on me to tell her if the new person is a friend or not. Even in her condition, she still is protective and i can rely on her 100%. She is one worth braging about.
Well, I`m off to get on line. Hows that- off to get on? contradictory, right?

Finally posting this and with the rain, it is still quite dark outside. Usually daylight long before now. Guess that means winter isn`t that far off now.
Hope not too many mistakes in spelling as this morning I feel too tired to check.

My Favorite Smells are :

1. Home baked bread

2. Lilacs when in bloom

3. some perfumes when not overpowering

4. fresh baked pies

5. Apple tree now while it`s filled with the smell of apples.

Now, who to Tag??

1. Walker

2. Gypsy

3.Karen

4. Cecilia