Dot`sThoughts

September 6, 2008

Sitting here listening to the TV, they talked about what your dreams might mean. They said that fear of falling or of water was usually due to something you saw on TV. I seem to differ with them. I never had a fear of falling or of water until after I fell down a well on an Uncles farm when I was young. Before this happened I used to swim across the Barge Canal, climb up the rocks on the other side, standing on one rock that was almost flat, we would dive off down into the water below. I never felt any fear while doing this and I had done it many times. But, after falling down the well, I never was able to dive under water, the fear of drowning would come back as soon as water started to cover my face. I still have that fear today. There was one time when my youngest son was about 3 yrs old when he ran out on the pier and jumped off into the deep water. I was hanging onto the side boards of the pier when it happened, and without time for thinking, I immediately let go of the boards and swam down under the water , found my son and swam back to shore with him. It took both the life guard and myself over an hour to talk him back into the low water near shore. The life guard had this football without the cover on it and he kept tossing it to my son who would toss it back to him. He kept tossing it a little further each time till my son was starting to go a little ways into the water to retrieve it. Finally he tossed it into the water where it was almost up to my little sons waist. Then he told me son if he got the ball out of the water he would let him keep the football and take it home with him. So, he got the ball and when he got older he became a great swimmer. He did do one stupid thing when swimming in the school pool. He did a flip backwards as he jumped off the diving board and he didn`t land out far enough and hit his head on the pool and cut his head open and required stitches. He had done this dive before, but according to the teacher, this time he was joking with another student and not concentrating on what he was doing. I was glad we were able to get him back in the water so he didn`t grow up with the fear like I did. There was no way for me to have gotten back into the water swimming as my accident happened in the winter with snow on the ground-- so no swimming again till the following summer and by then the fear and dreams had been happening for months. My relatives owned the property that extend all the way through the woods to the canal so we had our own private beach for swimming. Today that property is still in the family.

Another dream I had happened almost a year after we were married. I almost walked out and ended my marriage, but I had this dream. There was this woman who apparently was supposed to be my husbands mother. She had passed away when my husband was only 15 years old and he never owned a picture of her. So, I had no idea what she even looked like, but still I knew this woman to be his mother. She kept telling me not to give up, that things would get better. About the time I started having this dream I discovered I was going to have a baby. That only made me think even more about leaving. But this dream continued every night. It was often a little different, but the message from this woman remained the same- don`t give up, things will get better. This dream continued for the whole 9 months and once the baby was born I never had that dream again. About this time my husbands only sister, who had lived a long ways from us, moved about 20 miles from us and we went to visit her. While there, I asked her if she had any pictures of their mother. She only had the one picture taken shortly before their mother died. His sister had made the long trip by wagon so her mother could see her new grandchildren ( twins, a girl and a boy). Her mother`s picture was small, so his sister gave me a magnifier to see their mother`s face better. I felt like I was losing my stomach when I noticed it was the exact woman from my dreams. I will never be able to understand this, but it left me with the feeling that, even though we had never met, I just felt this closeness to her. I was left with the feeling that I would have loved his mother if I had ever been able to meet her in person. Also, I will always be grateful to her for talking me into staying those 9 months. I would never have had the over 50 years with the man of my dreams if it hadn`t been for her helping me through dreams.

Then there was this other dream. I awoke one morning about quarter to 3AM. I had been dreaming that my oldest brother was taken by ambulance to the hospital near where he lived in another state. From the dream I knew it was serious. I knew I couldn`t phone my mother at that time in the morning, but I was never able to go back to sleep. I ended up pacing the floor waiting for the time to hurry up and go by. Finally at 8:30, I knew my father would have left for work and my mother would have sent my youngest sister off to school. If I had called her earlier I was afraid I would upset her if she had heard nothing from New Jersey. I talked a few minutes and then I asked her what she had heard from Fred lately. Then she told me that my sister-in-law had called them to tell them Fred was taken to the Hospital early that morning. His appendix had burst while at home and he was very sick. That was when I told my mother about my scary dream and told her I awoke at quarter to 3. She then told me that they had picked up Fred shortly before 3AM. That not only shook me up, but also my mother- to think my dream was true and it happened the same time as I dreamed it happened.

Then we lost my youngest brother 15 years ago. That morning my mother phoned me to tell me his wife had called her and said the ambulance was there and they were taking him to the hospital and my mother asked me if I would meet another brother there so he wouldn`t be alone. I told my mother I would be there by the time he got there since he had further to drive than I did. I no more than hung up the phone when I got this feeling that there was no need to go to the Hospital because Ken had already passed away. I immediately phoned my mother back to tell her about my feeling. This wasn`t the first time I felt someone had died and we learned it was true, so my mother yelled out to my brother to wait. He was in the process of backing his car out of the driveway. Then I called my youngest brother`s home and learned that the ambulance was still in front of their house and they were still trying to revive my brother, but he was gone.

Every since these dreams, I have taken every dream more seriously. I remembered when the kids used to pick on me when ever the phone rang . They would ask me who it was before I answered it and the funny thing was I usually knew. I will never understand the meaning of dreams given by professionals, but I do usually know what mine stand for. I read once that dreams have something to do with something you either saw or talked about in the past few days before the dream happened. But, that never explained my dreams for me.
To this day, I hate it when I get these feelings that something is wrong with someone, because I know it is probably true. Some tell me it is a gift, but it isn`t the kind of gift to bring a smile, it is usually something to be dreaded.
Now, I am living with the fear of losing my pet dog, but this time it is because she is getting old and her black and white hair on her face is turning gray. So, at least this time it has nothing to do with dreams, it is something just looking at her shows. She is over 12 years old and I read on the net that a Border Collie usually has about a 14 year life span. I know sometimes they live longer than what is considered average and I am hoping so this time. She is what makes me get up in the morning. I can`t loaf in bed when my wonderful protector is waiting to be fed. I have always felt so safe here the past 6 years that I have lived alone. She will bark and wake me at the slightest sound outside. She has a different bark sound for a person than for an animal that might be around the house. Also her re-turn bark to a neighbors dogs barks- it isn`t shrill like when it is a person- even when they are just walking down the road in front of my home she lets me know. I have learned that Border Collies are very intelligent dogs. If I lost her, I wouldn`t just lose my wonderful loyal pet, but might also lose my strong feeling of security that she has given over the years.
I have one daughter that sometimes has these same strange to understand or explain feelings. it is not something I would have passed on on purpose because too many of the times it has to do with sadness. Sometimes it feels more like a curse than a blessing. They usually say there is an explanation for everything, but I have yet to understand it. Hasn`t happened lately and it is a relief to be feeling more confident and more at ease.