Monday, May 12, 2008


More thought of my Mother.

Monday, May 12, 2008

More thoughts of my Mother.

More thoughts of my Mother- Now that I am older and looking back I see things much different than I did when I was growing up. I remember how my mother had her favorites, the oldest son and the oldest daughter, plus whoever was the baby at the time. I remember feeling I was letting her down because I wasn`t getting as high grades in school as my older sister did. She was second highest in her graduation class, while I kept passing grades and graduated with decent grades, but not that high. Looking back I remember my mother once saying she wasn`t smart enough to do the harder puzzle books that another brother and I were always doing. Actually my Mother was a lot smarter than she gave herself credit for. So, looking back, I think her low feeling of herself was what actually had her so proud of my sister`s high grades, not that she thought my sister was better than the rest of us. But at the time I didn`t know she had such a low opinion of herself. My dad was always telling us to ask our mother- he considered her very smart, while she thought he was lots smarter than she was. So, her feelings must have come while growing up with two brothers and three sisters. one half sister and one step sister. I know one of her brothers was very smart, even high grades in College. So, maybe she had the same feelings growing up that she showed with us kids.Now, grown up, this is what I have discovered:Took my Mother into her late 80`s to find out her favorite daughter wasn`t all she thought, that graduating at age 15 didn`t make her a smarter person. When mother broke her hip and her pet ( everyone thought this) wasn`t willing to stay for a couple weeks to care for her, she told me that my sister could leave her home for months to spend the winters in Florida, but when it came to spending a couple weeks helping her, she had to get back to her house. I ended up caring for my mother with the help of a brothers wife and thru these weeks, I saw a great change in my mothers outlook as she realized the ones she never favored were the ones she could count on. I never realized the change until one Christmas when we were all there ( 7 of us), she was heading for the hospital again and she refused to let the ambulance drive out of the driveway. My Aunt came in and asked where I was and told me my mother refused to go to the hospital unless I rode in the ambulance with her. That not only surprised me, but also my brothers and sisters' as we all were used to having our oldest sister and oldest brother come first with her. Lost our Mother 13 years ago on May 10th, just 4 days before her 91st Birthday on May 14th.. All my growing up in my older sisters shadow became unimportant as I finally knew she loved and trusted in me before she passed away.Funny that I never felt I was growing up in my older sisters shadow till after my mother broke her hip and I saw how hurt she was to be let down by my sister. Seeing her hurt brought back so many things where my sister always seemed to be allowed to do so much more than I could at the same age. I remember once asking my mother for permission to go to the dances at the grange, my sister told her I was too young, and my mother told me I was too young. When I said my sister was going when she was even younger, the reply was that at my age she was already in higher grades in High School and hanging with older kids. Another time I asked for my own bicycle and was told we didn`t need two girls bikes- so if my sister said yes, I was allowed to borrow her bike. But this brings more memories, like when I wanted to buy my year book the year a brother graduated and her answer was we didn`t need two of the same book in the house, even though I was going to pay for it with my own baby sitting money. Then that brother told me he wasn`t allowed to buy his second years book for the same reason- the sister graduated that year. So, that puts a different light on those memories. Back then it just looked like my sister won ever time. Now, I think it was the thought of what she felt was a waste of money being spent on a second copy of the same item. I think it was because I always felt so loved by my father that I still felt happy and never resented my older sister. I had lots of close friends and grew up with lots of fun memories, so I never let things bother me for long. As for the older brother, he never acted like he though he was any better than the rest of us and still treats us all that way today. Funny how you see things so much clearer when you are older. Today I feel it was money, not favoritism that made it look like the older sister won every round. It went to my sisters head and looking back it was actually her and not my mother who put herself on the pedestal. I felt bad when I saw the hurt on her face when my mother started bragging to everyone how I was able to get her back walking after her first hip operation. I tried to explain to my mother that it was much easier for me to care for her than it was for the others because I had been trained when I worked at our local Hospital. I was trained in caring for the open cut and also for the therapy afterwards. I told her the others had no training and were afraid they might do something wrong and make things worse for her. I also told my older sister that I understood why it was harder for her to care for our mother. Plus the oldest brother`s wife had told this sister that our mother would never walk again if she wasn`t sent to one of the recuperating places and my sister believed her. I visited my mother at the Hospital one day and she started crying while telling me she didn`t want to go there. I told her she didn`t have to because I would take care of her at her home. Then I spoke to our older brother who agreed with me. I knew the others wouldn`t go against his word. My mother once told me "What are they ( meaning the older sister and a younger one) going to do if their husband ever needed bed care?" I told her they would make out if they had no one else to do it for them. Years after we lost out Mom, my older sister did end up caring for her husband the last couple years of his life and the younger sister lost her husband due to an accident. The following year after the hip operation, our mother had a full hip replacement. This required no bandage changing or special therapy so the others did ok helping out. I think this proved to my mother that it wasn`t that noone else wanted to help her, but that they were just afraid to help the first time.So, while it did feel good finally feeling I was being respected and feeling more loved by our mother, at the same time I felt sorry for my sister. I am glad things worked out ok before our mother passed away. I have one problem that will always bother me and that was due to something our mother did that was as wrong as a person can get. She should never have hurt my younger brother so bad, and even though she finally saw how wrong she was and did tell him she was sorry, there wasn`t enough time left for that hurt to heal before we lost that brother due to heart trouble one year before we lost our mother.

My mother has now been gone 13 years- on the 10th, and her birthday would have been in two more days- on the 14th.
Happy early Birthday mother.I Love you and will always miss you..

One of our worse handicaps in not being able to see through someone elses eyes or understanding their thoughts.

Everyone has their own way of caring for a person.
My brother and father are useless when it comes to caring for someone in physical need.
they would rather pay and have it done than try and do it themselves because thy are scared of making matters worse.

I don;t believe a parent loves one child more than another but they do know who to rely on and for what.

As we get older we see and understand the past with eyes that were once blind by our selfishness and now awake with realization
Walker, I think we understand more when we have raised kids ourself.

Our mother really did have her favorites when we were growing up, but whenever things started getting out of hand our Dad was good at stopping things and he had a way of soft coating things so they didn`t seem as bad anymore. He knew how to make everyone of us feel important.

About a year before my mother passed away, she did tell me that she owed me an appology for something that happened before I got married. Turned out to be for something I never knew about before the appology. That was the first time I can ever remember hearing my mother saying she was sorry for something she did or didn`t do and I was surprised. I must admit that I was hoping it was for something that happened when I was in first year of high school. As I told my youngest brother, give it time and it won`t hurt so much, but he only lived a short time after she hurt him the same way. I had tried so hard to get my mother to see what she did was wrong and make things right before it was too late, but she had this stubborn streak when she felt she was right. By the time she did see and called to tell him she was wrong, he couldn`t handle the hurt that went soo deep, I often think my mother had a hard time handling what happened after he passed away and we lost her the following year. I understood my brother and told him the only help was time- that over time it wouldn`t hurt so much and would get easier and easier to handle as time passed. He had a bad heart and stress was too much for him. I tried to tell my mother how bad his heart was and that she should make things right before it was too late, but she wouldn`t give in until it was proven to her and by then my brother was too hurt to care. When I told her how bad his heart was, she told me she was worrying about my oldest brother`s health. I told her I also worry about him but that my younger brother was in more serious heart condition. I still remember her asking me if I really believed he was that bad, and the answer was yes, he was in serious heart trouble. I wish things had gotten better between my mother and her youngest son. If only Dad had been still alive to stop it before the hurt was so bad. I hope they are back close in Heaven together today.
*hugs* Dot! Glad you were able to make it up to your mother before she passed away.
Hillgrandmom, It was nice seeing another side of my mother, but to think that what happened had bothered her for 25 years- enough to apologize to me 25 years after it happened - really got to me. I told her to forget about it as it happened so long ago. She told me she should have stood up for me instead of going along with the other two. Then she wanted to tell me who the other two were, but I asked her not to tell me because I didn`t really want to know. I was sure I already knew, but as long as it wasn`t said I knew it wouldn`t be on my mind whenever I saw them. But her apologizing seemed to show relief on her face and that was nice. For it to have bothered her so much showed -even though she already had her daughter and didn`t want another one when I was born, as she once told me - she had to have changed her mind or it never would have bothered her that much. I am happy that we got so close before we lost her. She always knew she could count on me and I was there to help her with everything almost every morning for the 20 years after she lost my dad. I would send the kids off to school and drive down to check on her even though a brother was still living at home with her. When my car was destroyed in an accident I heard my mother told my oldest brother that "Dorothy needs a car so she can come down to see me." I was still checking on her in the evenings with Walts car after he got home from work, but not for as many hours. That week-end I went, found, and bought another car, but my mother never got to see it. I am the only one in the family who never borrowed money from my oldest brother, even knowing he would give it to me if I had asked. Having money never changed my oldest brother, he stayed the same loving, caring brother who loved us all.
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