Saturday, May 27, 2006

 

My step Daughter

Today started out quite weird. For some unknown reason I awoke around 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. I had been dreaming that the step daughter had phoned me. I have talked to her just once in 17 yrs. So, why would I dream that she of all people would be phoning me again. Well, since I couldn`t get back to sleep I put the TV on. I had been watching the TV for about an hour when the phone on the stand-way over by the other side of the bed- suddenly started the dial tone sound. like when you pick up the receiver to call someone.
To make matters even more weird, in my dream , as I awoke, I was telling her if she wanted to talk then to start talking. otherwise, If she was just going to hold the phone and say nothing, then I was going to hang up. I know it was about an hour later that the Dial tone started sounding off, because the movie I watched was over and another movie had started.
At first I thought the sound must be a phone on the TV, but when I saw noone picking up a phone in the movie, then I picked up my phone. Sure enough the dial tone was from my phone. You don`t get a dial tone on that phone unless you hit the button to turn it on for talk. So, why and how could it suddenly start sounding the Dial tone while it was still lying flat on the base?
This step daughter stayed in touch with only one person in my entire family. My oldest brother`s wife. The step had told me once that there was only one person in my family that was any good. Then she said - you probably think I mean Uncle Ken. Then I told her, yes he had moved her many times thru her 3 marriages and not only did all her packing for her, but never even asked for money for the gas for his truck. Then I also reminded her that one of my younger sisters had taken her and her 1st husband in and supported them for months, the youngest sister had taken her in after she quit school, when she decided she didn`t want to life home any longer with rules to follow. What she never knew was that this sister phoned and asked my permission before allowing her to move in, Sis told me that if I said no, then no it would be. But I told this sister that I`d rather have her staying where I know she was alright than with just anyone. A few yrs later, this sister and I had also driven 50 miles to bring her back when she didn`t wish to stay in the city where her and hubby had moved. When she broke up with her second hubby, we allowed her to move back home with her 2 kids. After a few weeks, she moved back in with her husband. Before she left her Dad told her she better make some plans and know where she was going to live before she decided to leave him a second time. A few months later, she phoned again asking to stay till she found a place. I went against my husbands wishes and let her move back in. I did this because there were 2 small kids to consider and knew she would drop them anywhere she could to be free to run out. Her daughter, she went to court and tried to have her put into a childrens home, but since the daughter was then spending the summer babysitting, that woman had to drive the granddaughter to court. So, the judge allowed the people she baby sat for to have custody. The step daughter had let ,me believe thay she was taking the hubby to court to get sole custody of the girl. When she came back to my home, she was screaming mad , yelling " He had no right". So, I thought the Father got custody. But, then she said " My Lawyer told me if I wanted her sent away the judge would have to send her away. So, it was the Judge she felt had no right to just give her to the lady she was babysitting for. i think that was the madest Iever got at her, except for the time she started to sock her father who was sitting at the table and I jumped in front of her. ( That time she had stopped in to tell her father that when her mother died he was going to help her pay for the funeral and he said "NO", he wasn`t. I told her if that day comes and you need help go see your mothers husband she was still married to.) The first marriage had only lasted under a year.
Wish I had known the true reason for the court hearing and you can be sure I would have been the one in court taking my granddaughter away from her selfish mother. The year before that court hearing, the step had gotten divorced and was married to #3. A couple years after the court hearing she decided she no longer wanted her son and packed his things and dropped him off at his Dad`s home. While her 2nd husband and their 2 kids stayed close to us,
Noone, not even her kids heard from her for all those years until she learned she had cancer. Then after 17 years she started phoning everyone, including all her bro and sis`s her Dad and I had, plus her birth bro who also moved in with us at age 14-- when his Mother no longer wanted him. What a mixed up family.
In our last conversation years ago I told her that I thought I was a good mother to her. Her reply was ' You were a good mother, in fact you were a dam good mother". Then I asked her Why she had dumped her Dad and I after 36 years? She said nothing. I had heard from her just once after that talk. She called asking me to find her other step sister that her birth mother had with another man. My answer to her was that I had given her 3 step sisters and 3 step brothers that grew up loving her as their real sister and if they weren`t good enough , I wasn`t finding her another one. Besides I felt the other sister was better off without her as when she got tired of her i knew she would just dump and hurt her the same way.

Well, to get back to the only one in my family that was any good, she said my oldest bros name. When I asked her what made him better as he hadn`t helped her over the years. Her answer was- because he is the only one with any money. So, just another case where money talks.

That last time she had lived with us, I hunted my puirse and gave her all the money I had in it and told her to go out and get her own place to live. She was only supposed to live with us for a couple weeks to get money for her own place and here it was over 4 or 5 months later and all her paycheck went getting drunk week-ends and we were raising and supporting her kids for her.

A couple days ago I heard the kemo cured the cancer and she is now doing ok, Last week her son came up from Florida. It was wonderful seeing him. Then him and his sister went to see their mother. I was told that their was no feelings they felt for her. I had known this from my granddaughter right along, but the grandson felt the same way. He said, Gram, how can you have feelings for someone you no longer even know. She`s been a stranger for way too many years. He debated about even seeing her while he was here. But, I told him if he didn`t and the cancer came back, he might spend the rest of his life wishing he had gone to see her and this way, he could move on without ever wondering.

A couple days ago I was told that she was at my bro`s home again, so I figured she was still staying in touch for money. I had heard their business was going broke and then it was running again, so I know my sis-in-law must have given her more money. I had all I could do not to tell my sister-in-law that I was`t like her, I couldn`t be bought. The sis-in-law wasn`t always for this girl. She has forgotten that they once took her -at age 16- to spend the summer with them when they lived in NJ . She told me she could straighten her out. Well, they sent her back home after just a couple weeks because they couldn`t trust her and her new friends in their home. Instead of baby sitting their kids, her and the so called friends got into the locked licquor cabinet and kept getting drunk and carrying on and noone was watching their kids. My bro owned a large lace factory in NJ and kept the licquor just for business meetings. Thats where the drinking started and today the step is still an alcoholic.
But, this still leaves me puzzled over the dial tone suddenly sounding on a turned off phone which hadn`t been used to 2 days.

well, even though I didn`t get much sleep last night, I do want to go get the apple tree sprayed again. I was told it should be sprayed three times every season and now is a good time since the rain has stopped for a few days. Besides i need to get busy and forget about the step and all tjhose she keeps hurting. Almost 4 years too late now to appologize to her Dad, so she is stuck with her worst actions and can never make it right. She will just have to live with that for the rest of her life. She tossed away 2 beautiful kids who turned out great in spite of her. As her son once said that he didn`t care as he still had his sister and his gram and gramp there for him.

Comments:
hello dot. i am so sorry that you have and had to go through all of this. bad things happen to good people. as you know my oldest daughter does not talk to us or see us any more. we have 2 grandchildren that we never get to see. it is some thingthat some of us have to live with.

good luck to you.
 
you know I can handle it myself. But I hurt much more for her Children and she never even saw her grandson till last month and he is now 7 yrs old. He`s at the age now that he doesn`t want to be bothered with a stranger. I made the big mistake of finding her birth Mother for her and all went well for a couple years and then she sudeddenly decided she couldn`t have two mothers and to keep her birth mother she had to break all ties with our family. She has been trying to blame her actions on that mother, but as I told her she has a mind of her own and she is the one who chose that road, so it`s noone elses fault but her own. Time to take responsibility for her own actions and not try to hide her bad decisions on others. At age 58, 59 in Sept. it is time to grow up, but way too late to redeem herself with her father. What her cruelty did to her father is one thing I find hard to get past. Just saying she was mixed up does nothing for my feelings. She doesn`t say she is sorry, just that she got mixed up -- whatever that means. She just further separated us with that call when she left a message to "Hi Dorothy" "we got to talk, so call me back".--I had been mom for over 39 yrs, then noone for another 17-18 yrs, now just Dorothy. That call back was to a cold sounding person who just was feeling sorry for herself. Told her I wouldn`t wish cancer on anyone and I was sorry she had to go thru so much. Heard the cancer is gone, radiation worked. Haven`t heard from her since. So far, neither have any of the others she grew up with. But heard she was at my older bro`s home last week. Thats how I heard the cancer is gone.
 
That is SURE not easy at all for you ... I'm sorry you had to go through so much! You know, I feel after the age of say fourty, one CAN NOT blame parents or God knows whom anymore for how one turned out or deals with things, nor for decisions someone takes - there MUST be a limit to all that! From this age on (the LATEST) one has got to take responsibility for his/her OWN actions ... everything else would be too easy or simply damn unfair! I feel very sorry as well for her kids ...
You're very right - it is HIGH time she'll wake up!
 
Thanks for your thoughts ILMunich. Actually I think all should be grown up enough by the age of 30. 20`s , they are still too much a kid and I can see still helping those who are doing their best. But, some kids never grow up because there is always someone willing to step in and hold them up.To grow up, they first must learn to stand on their own 2 feet and work for what they want out of life. They fist need to lose their leaning posts ( people who are way to willing to keep giving them a handout). Have you ever noticed that the ones with the free handouts are usually doing it for someone else kids, but expect their own kids to be independant. Or they are some who can`t handle their own kids , but still think they know better than you do how to handle your own kids. This same s-i-law who keeps her nose in everything, can`t make her grown kids do as she asks. In fact it was one of her own sons who once told me to tell his mother to go to H..., and to stay out of your business. He told me his sister and all his brothers no longer allow her to interfere in their marriages. Her only daughter told me that my step was way wrong and added " Aunt Dot, she ( the step) is the loser, not you". So, even her own kids disagree with how she is sticking up for the step against me. I have given it a lot of thought and think the connection might comes from the fact that the s-i-law also had a mother that walked out on her family and they never got back together till after she grew up. So, I think she feels for the step growing up without her birth mother just as she did. My s-I-law is one who also puts herself first ahead of her family just as the step D does. They are a lot alike- bossy, shovy and self centered. My bro used to keep the s-i-law in line till after he had 2 strokes and now she is able to boss him also.He tries, but knows he can`t do many things for himself and if he wants her help, he has to eventually give in. They say it takes all kinds to make a world, guess that is true.
 
I am sorry to know that you have a tough time, dot! but then every one has to go through the stage when their time comes.

I am more than sure that you can cope with these with out much effort as you are a strong woman.

Take care pplease.
 
Yes, some people never grow up and don't even seem to want to grow up. I can imagine it must have been hurting to have someone try to use your good nature , that too after all these years. Take care.
 
thanks Jac. Yes, after all these years I Ihave learned to handle it and move on. It tore me up for years seeing the hurt she had caused in her Father`s face and listening to the hurt from her kids. But, she can`t hurt her Dad anymore and her kids have also learned to handle her actions and moved on. So, now she is the one bearing the hurt of her actions. I tried so hard to make her see the wall she was making between her and her Dad and her kids. Now, maybe she is seeing it too late.
 
thanks Hillgrandmom. We feel bad that we can`t solve all the hurting things in our Families lifes, but we finally have to admit we have done out best and and can`t do anymore.Took me years to learn to handle her cruelty, but I have learned how to ignore a lot, so she isn`t able to hurt me that way again. I learned the hard way. But, I refuse to let one person make me untrusting to others.
 
I agree with you, Dot. There comes a time in your life when you gotta stop blaming things in your past for where you are today. My sister was on the road to becoming like your step daughter. My mother kept putting up with stuff from my sister, who was living with her along with her son, because she was afraid of losing contact with her grandson. My sister knew this and took avantage of it for the longest time. I don't know what happened to cause it, but eventually she grew up and is nothing at all like she was back then...hard to believe it's the same person.

I'm sure it would be hard to welcome your step daughter back into your family after all the hurt she's caused you, but I hope for her sake that she finally wakes up to the truth one day.
 
Skye,Internet explorer is acting up again and closing before I had time to post my reply.
I am glad your Sis and Your Mom are back on good terms. I know how much it must have been hurting both of them.
Wish I knew if the step D was sincere with her kids this time or was it just that she feared dying from the cancer. Went this road once before . They removed the tonsils and said the cancer was gone. Then as soon as she was ok, she stopped bothering with her kids. I worry it will happen the same way again now that she has again gotten a clean bill of health. The kids say she can`t hurt them anymore than she did when she didn`t want them in the past. I feel they don`t dare care for her for fear of going thru that terrible time again. I don`t say anything either way. I just tell them that it is their lives and they must do whatever they believe is best for them. I was glad they agreed to see their mother, now it is up to them whether they keep in touch or not. Only time will tell if their mother will keep in contact with them or just dump them like she always did in the past. I do know their fear of being hurt again and I hope it doesn`t happen. I also hope she changes, she will never get back what she could have had. It is a shame some people don`t see what they are losing. I can`t imagine having one of my children not returning my love and I always treated both steps like they were my own kids. Never any favoritism, all under the same rules and receiving the same love. I felt they were all my kids.
 
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