Sunday, October 16, 2005


Sat/ no guess it`s Sunday-Nephews Wedding

At first i started to say it was Saturday, but it`s 2:45 AM, so that makes it Sunday morning.
Went to a nephews Wedding today. Lovely wedding. But sure had the Minister and all the guests laughing when he asked the bride: Do you.... promise to love honor and obey -. Well that word obey did it all as the bride was agreeing until that magic word "obey" was said and we all watched her shaking her head " No". She didn`t just shake no once, but kept on shaking it no. The minister had to laugh and he said "This is the first time in my over 30 yrs of performing Marriages that I ever had this happen". Then he looked at the groom and said- looks like you`ll have to obey her. We all laughed at that. Must admit , it was the first time I ever saw it and I`ve been to many many weddings. Even funnier when you know she isn`t the bossy power play type.
It sure felt lonesome there watching most of my family out dancing while I sat thinking of Walt and wishing he were there to dance with me. He did love dancing. Then to make matters worse, Most of my family was sitting at one table, but one brother, a sister-in-law ( wife of the Brother who passed away) and I were seated with some of my sisters friends at another table. Normally that wouldn`t have bothered me. But Not having Walt and also not sitting at the same table with my 3 sisters, 2 of their husbands and our oldest brother and his wife just made me feel more lonesome than ever. One of the sisters had a Double Wedding with Walt amnd I, so watching them dancing made me think even more of Walt. We often celebrated our Anniversarys together. We had our 50th a few months before I lost Walt. Our Kids threw us a large Anniversary party that year-- just 3 years ago.
All this got me a bit upset so I couldn`t get to sleep. I tried watching Tv, but that wasn`t helping, so gave up and here I sit trying to calm down from it all. I was getting so upset that i feared i would brake down, so thats when I decided tohead home. Many of the Guests had already left, so had the sister-in-law that was at our table, so noone even noticed why I was leaving, except possibly the sister who Married with us. So, when my other brother and I left, my oldest bro and wife had left a short time earlier. That left my 3 sisters and 2 of their Hubbies still there. The 3rd sister was the mother of the Groom and she also lost her hubby little over a year ago, so I`m sure it was also hard for her. Well, it is 10 after 3AM now, so think I`ll go lay down for a while. Probably won`t fall asleep, but at least I might rest. Had the C-PAP mask on before for over 3 hours while trying to unwind and sleep. Here i go9 again. Hope have better luck this time. Wonder why it is that our bodies don`t let us sleep even though we feel exausted? I`m off.....

It sucks that all the sisters were not at the same table. Family should sit together at functions as this. When we go to a wedding or baptism its custom that the family sits together.
I have no understandig how it is to loose you mate and to feel alone. It must be heartwrenching to sit there and remember the times you had together at these events.
Walt was there Dot.
You told us in your post.
How you used to dance together, He is in your heart and memories and I am sure he is smiling at you this momment and misses you to.
I am also sure he would want you to be happy in his absence. :)
Thanks Walker. The one bro who sat with me is the talker in the family and lately all he does is tell anyone who will listen all his medical problems. I know he doesn`t realize how the rest of the family feels constantly hearing the same stories over and over to anyone he meets. I know he`s lonesome, lives alone in the family home. The will leaves the home to all us kids, but gives this bro the life use of it and now all the money our Mother had left in the bank is running out- was all used to pay house taxes and house repairs for the past 10 years so it only benefited that one living there. That is also a sore topic with some members. Me I could care less. Walt and I have always been on our own. The Bro who lives there constantly talks, seldom can anyone get a word in. And that sister-in-law was never a favorite with part of the family. I am the only member besides that one bro who ever goes to her house to visit. In my family I was closest to that youngest bro she was married to. We were just 2 years apart. Also at our table were two of my sisters friends who were alone as one got divorced, the other lost her husband. Guess my sister decided since I had met her friends a few times, ( one twice, the other about 4 times, so don`t realy know them) it would be ok to sit me there. Then also dump the other bro and the sister-in-law. She would have known she couldn`t sit any other member of the family there without them getting mad at her. But then our oldest sister and my oldest bro`s wife usually power play over everything. Funny how my mother never saw that till about a year before she passed away. Those two always acted like they thought they were better than the rest of the family. That sister-in-law is one of those who will hug you when you leave and then talk about you after you are gone. We all kniow that, but we have to take it if we want to keep going there to see our oldest bro and after so many heart attacks- leaving him in rough shape- none of us would ever wish to upset the apple cart. There would have been a place for two more, but not three at their table, but my youngest sister thought her husbands bro and wife should sit with her.
Didn`t get any sleep last night, but if Walt were here he would have said to heck with them if thats the way they feel. I know that sister never thought about how I would feel, just how she could sit everyone and keep peace in the family. I don`t usually react- just take things as they come and get past them, but this time I`m finding it harder to get past the hurt I feel. But I`ll manage somehow.
Sometimes the sleeping tiger must awake and bite it's tormentors.
I have been passive mosy of my life until pushed.
First it was with friends who used my friendship to further the lives. I never minde helping a friend. But it was never returned, not that it was asked. I never ask. Just recently I ask for a loan from someone I had helped finacially when he was in trouble and he laughed at me and it wasn't alot I asked for under 2000. He had won $100,000 3 days earlier at the casino. That was and is the last time I will ask a friend for money.
I have managed to get what I wanted through my own means and my cousin who has been through alot with me.
My family has been using me all my life. When I was healthy and even now when this body is battered. I still help even though I have been told by the doctors to relax. I am the poorest ogf the lot but still help financially the most even when I can't afford to pay my own bills.
But now I have turn my head and showed a side of me they are not used to.
Enough is enough.
You have to do the same. Live for yourself and screw the rest if they don't care for you.
You have to excuse me I have a tendancy to use colorful language when expressing myself at times.
You have a nice day.
Oh and if you like my clock and want one like it I would be more than happy to help you install one on you site.
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